Your eyes, pupils dilated, red around the edges. I could practically feel your energy, the heat of your anger. Your eyes wide teeth gritted. It was a pathetic feeling, the one you caused. Like a fawn that hasn't learnt how to walk, suddenly needing to run.

Legs wobbly against the grass, the ground didn't feel stable anymore, if it wasn't there to hold me, keep me stable then what was?

You wouldn't, though you promised. if i couldn't trust you who else was there to trust, to keep me stable when everybody around me couldn't keep themselves upright either. violence wasn't something new, the world was full of it even in my sheltered life. I saw it everyday. It could come from words, actions even thoughts, yours was the worst, your violence. even if rarely physical. your presence alone felt violent. like you were the embodiment of it.

I remember crying, being scared to get out of my seat. I rooted in place. your yells turning into TV static i couldnt understand i didnt want to understand why.

seeing her hurt the only person i couldn't stand seeing cry. you were the cause of her tears but i couldn't get rid of you. I needed you, too, even if it hurt.

I couldn't move. I wanted to help her, I needed to save her from you, but I was scared. scared of what you would do to her or me, I wasn't sure. It took me what felt like an eternity to find my voice even if it was only a few seconds. I told you to stop, to get off her. but you didn't listen. Sometimes I wonder if you actually heard me or in your blind rage you didn't. I hoped you didn't hear me. I didn't want to think you heard and continued, even hearing my cries.

I wanted to see good in you because I loved you.